“Sixty-five percent of my boys did not have a daddy at home. They’re raised by mommas, them sweet ol’ mommas. Thank God for them mommas, or grandmomma; many times it was grandmomma, or big sister, or aunt,” Bowden said. “But where’s the man? A boy needs a male figure, and the girls do, too. Somebody to discipline them, and make them be a man. You know, I used to kid about this: They grow up and want to be like their momma. They want to be a man, like their momma, because that’s the way they were raised. That’s why they wear earrings.” – Bobby Bowden, Former Florida State Seminoles Head Coach
Let’s get a few things straight: Bobby Bowden is one of the best college football coaches of all time, he’s a talented writer, Florida State was lucky to have him and he has had an undeniable positive influence on many young people and the sport of college football in general. And even if all that wasn’t true, we all say something silly now and then.
But his recent controversial quote about young men and the women who sometimes raise them is way off of the mark and indicative of a strange way of thinking that I’ve been hearing all too often these days: there’s something wrong with young people, and some or most of the reason is because they were raised by a single mother.
In the strange and imaginary world concocted by certain minds a person is usually bad because they weren’t raised properly by their parents and for some reason a woman is incapable of raising a young man on her own. Yes, one’s upbringing does contribute majorly to the choices they make later in life, but seemingly perfect people from seemingly perfect families with both a mother and father do evil things all the time for the sake of profit or revenge. Frequently people form their own twisted sense of morality that allows them to find loopholes to mistreat their fellow person while still technically keeping their code. Frequently the morals that we come to understand as children are easily abandoned for the right price.
People have visions of the perfect family: a mother, a father, two kids, 2.5 bathrooms and a dog. That old-fashioned idea must be the best way to produce a quality young person, right? Well, frequently there is a biological mom and dad but not a single real parent to be found. Sometimes bad people have good kids because they see the lives of their parents and want to have a better life, sometimes good people have bad kids because they don’t provide good guidance. Sometimes kids turn out well because of the non-relative adults in their life and sometimes even the perfect upbringing can create someone with loose morals.
This all seems based on the strange notion that a parent of one sex is unlikely to successfully raise a child of the opposite sex by themselves. But for some reason the focus is less on the supposed failings of single fathers and their daughters but more on the supposed failings of single mothers and their sons.
Supposedly only a man can teach you how to be a proper man, like an invisible heirloom passed down the generations from father to son. But where do you draw the line? Is an abusive father better than none at all? How about a criminal father? Are young men doomed to be incomplete if they aren’t allowed to accept the mantle of manhood from even the most flawed of fathers?
This is nonsense, of course. Any reasonable person of any sex who wants to have a positive influence on their children and is willing to put in the work can successfully raise a child. Sure, having two parents might increase the odds of at least one of them being willing and able to do the work of guiding a young person into adulthood but that doesn’t mean that one motivated parent can’t be more effective than two who don’t care enough.
Yes, you might know or at least be able to guess by now that I was raised by a single mother. Teresa McMullen is a great woman who did a great job. She had to work a lot to support us, but I never felt like she didn’t spend enough time with me and I never felt like my life was incomplete because my father wasn’t around. My grandfather is a good man, and he did provide some of this mythical male father figuring but my mother did most of the work and I like to think that she did a reasonable job. I suppose other people would have to be the ultimate judge of that.
And despite what certain people may think I’ve never even had a passing desire to get my ears pierced – the idea carries negative appeal for me personally. But even if single motherhood did drive young men to pierce their ears that still wouldn’t be a bad thing. We are collectively too judgmental these days! Who cares if a man chooses to wear an earring? It doesn’t concern me what people choose to wear, only how they choose to act and how they choose to treat their fellow human being.
Feminine things are on this side of the line, and masculine things are on the other and a real man or a real woman isn’t allowed to even peek at the things on the other side without being judged as a poor example of their particular sex. I’ve got long, curly hair and even in this modern age there are too many who judge a man based on the length of the hair on his head. In the minds of some I’ll always be a second class man because I refuse to conform to sex specific standards of hair length. I happen to like my hair, so people can think whatever they want to think.
Is that man too feminine? Is that woman too manly? Who cares? It’s what inside of them that really counts.
I don’t know if being raised by a single mother or even a group of female relatives is more likely to produce someone with more “feminine” qualities but even if it did, what’s so bad about that? Perhaps many of today’s men could benefit a little from less unbridled masculinity instead of more. Maybe they wouldn’t feel the need to resort to violence to solve their problems. Maybe they wouldn’t feel the need to bully other people to impress the other males or to feel better about themselves. Maybe they wouldn’t feel the need to look down on a women who dares not to have a male significant other.
“Single mothers raise false men” is just the latest volley from certain pockets of society who have been looking to tear down the single woman ever since the first mother went out on her own. But it can be a hard life so it’s shameful to pile more on them by implying that they are inherently unable to raise their own sons.
Scott Joplin is Dead 